waiting to have time.
I haven't been feeling like myself lately.
Maybe it's the end of this semester that has taken so much of my mental & emotional energy, that I feel like I'm just treading water, waiting to have time to be myself again. Maybe I'm "saving myself up," so that when we go home for the holidays, I'll be able to be open & light & chipper & be able to share more of myself. Maybe I just don't have the energy right now.
But then again, maybe none of that is true. Maybe it's about being too hard on myself, of thinking I haven't been enough lately. Enough of myself.
I think we all often go through these moments, these high & low tides, these ups & downs, these times of abundance & meagerness. But it never really dulls the ache of not feeling genuinely yourself, does it? I don't think it does.
I feel the most myself when I can see pieces of me in everything I do, everything I produce, everything I put out there into the world. And lately, I haven't felt that very often in anything I've been doing.
Sitting here at the end of this post, this random pouring-out of words I've just sat at my computer & allowed to happen, I'm realizing that maybe I am just tired. Even as I open the gates & let the words flow, I realize that I've thought about school & all of the things that must be completed SOON about four hundred times. And then, there are the other things that are going on right now, that I haven't been able to share just yet. Yes, there are those things.
By mid-December, we will be on a jet plane, headed toward our loved ones, headed toward our hometown, & all of the comfort & trappings of ease that comes along with that. And I think, then, that I will be able to truly relax. Until then, well... I'll just keep trucking, keep chugging along.
It will be worth it.