Saturday, November 30, 2013

waiting to have time.

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. 

Maybe it's the end of this semester that has taken so much of my mental & emotional energy, that I feel like I'm just treading water, waiting to have time to be myself again. Maybe I'm "saving myself up," so that when we go home for the holidays, I'll be able to be open & light & chipper & be able to share more of myself. Maybe I just don't have the energy right now.

But then again, maybe none of that is true. Maybe it's about being too hard on myself, of thinking I haven't been enough lately. Enough of myself. 

I think we all often go through these moments, these high & low tides, these ups & downs, these times of abundance & meagerness. But it never really dulls the ache of not feeling genuinely yourself, does it? I don't think it does.

I feel the most myself when I can see pieces of me in everything I do, everything I produce, everything I put out there into the world. And lately, I haven't felt that very often in anything I've been doing. 

Sitting here at the end of this post, this random pouring-out of words I've just sat at my computer & allowed to happen, I'm realizing that maybe I am just tired. Even as I open the gates & let the words flow, I realize that I've thought about school & all of the things that must be completed SOON about four hundred times. And then, there are the other things that are going on right now, that I haven't been able to share just yet. Yes, there are those things. 

By mid-December, we will be on a jet plane, headed toward our loved ones, headed toward our hometown, & all of the comfort & trappings of ease that comes along with that. And I think, then, that I will be able to truly relax. Until then, well... I'll just keep trucking, keep chugging along.

It will be worth it.


siddathornton said...

Absolutely! Everyone feels it.
I'm feeling it right now, too. Feeling completely overwhelmed with gift-buying, honestly. (Which is a shame. It should be fun!)
I'm looking forward to a mid-December trip Home as well :)
Chin up, buttercup! Good things are coming.

Manda from Eat Cake

siddathornton said...

:( I hope you start feeling more like yourself soon! But I know exactly what you are talking about. I was actually just thinking this morning when I woke up and I was running a million things I could do to fix it through my head.... but I knew that nothing would really work. Makes me sad :(

But once your semester calms down, you should start to feel better and be happy to be around family!!

Wishing you a happy holiday season! :)

siddathornton said...

Hold up :) when the semester's done You'll at least be able to breathe...
Although I think many of Us, Me on the top of the list, can relate to this, too
I remember this happening to Me many times over the years, specially when the stress of many things at once starts weighing Us down...
Good luck in all, friend. :) I promise it gets much better when this passes

siddathornton said...

That's the worst feeling. I definitely felt the least like myself when I was struggling to keep up with classes that were necessary but not interesting. It will be over soon enough... and then you'll be nostalgic for the days when you did nothing but study! Weird how life works.

I'll be in Shreveport for a few days mid-December... we should catch up and talk blogs at Starbucks or Rhino!

siddathornton said...

We definitely all go through these feelings every once in a while. I know that I do, and it's a hard time for me right now. Maybe it's the season? But know that life and the tough times go in phases, and when you finish it all up and see the results of what you've been working so hard for, I know that it'll be worth it. Good luck my dear! xoxo

the sunday currently, volume 125.

reading a mish-mash of things right now. I don't usually like to read more than one book at a time, but I am in a reading rut... and I...