on time.

There is a section of our favorite antiques store in town, entirely devoted to clocks. Old ones, new ones, forgotten ones. And sometimes I like to go stand in front of the clocks, just to hear the pitter-patter, knocking, clicking sound comprised by all of their unanimous ticking. Because in that moment, I feel like I may be just a little bit in charge of time itself. It feels so much like a tangible thing in those moments, even though I know it's not.

I am one of those people who, at the thought of time plummeting forward, with no concern for me or how I feel about it, can be sent either into a mild or Earth-shattering panic attack, depending on what kind of day it's been. The uncontrollable passage of time leaves me feeling helpless, sad, forlorn, & even ragged, at times.

I am paralyzingly terrified of waking up one day & realizing that I'm horribly old & lonely, with all of my loved ones either gone or too far away to reach. And just the simple act of typing those words has brought tears to my eyes, at the realization & simplicity of that sentiment. Because I've never before been able to articulate exactly what it is that sometimes keeps me up at night, worrying.

So, what is the solution in all of this? Well, of course, I believe it lies in the slowing down of time. That is, to the most extreme degree that this is possible. Obviously, I can't stop the hands ticking away on a clock, even if I am visiting them at my own will in an isolated corner of an antiques shop.

But, I can slow down. I can choose to look around me. I can choose to be present. I can choose to laugh heartily & as much as I want. I can choose to really listen to my favorite songs, drinking them in like the elixir of life, like I used to do when I was young & impressionable. I can remember how to be tender & naive & hopeful. I can breathe in the scent of the coffee before I take the first sip. I can look into your eyes when you are talking to me, rather than at anything at all else. I can breathe deeply, feel thankful, cherish the daily grind. 

What do you do to slow down time? How do you grapple with the terminable feeling that life sometimes has? Please, help me in this arduous quest.

photo: the clocks at the ivy cottage \ instagram