on friendship.

let's talk for a moment about friendship.

... hold on, actually let's talk first about what caused this moment of clarity... this epiphany of sorts.

today, i was walking around in a gloomy state of mind - with a big, ugly cloud just dangling over my head. and for the life of me, i could not figure out why. i kept trying to fight against it... to remind myself of the laundry list of things i have to be thankful for.

justin. family. friends. health. pets. opportunity. a roof over my head.

you know the drill. but... no matter how much i fought against the gloom, it kept forcing its way back into my head, like smoke curling & creeping, slowly infiltrating, unwanted. walking to my car was hard. eating breakfast, getting ready for work - it all felt like a chore. simple acts were made difficult, because my feet were made of lead & my head was crowded with negativity.

so, on my way to lunch, i texted a close friend, expressing these concerns, telling her that i felt like i was on the verge of finding myself trapped in the depths of a rut. and her answer was more than just an answer to the question i had posed... it was also an answer to why i was feeling that gloominess. to put it in a few, easy words: i miss my friends.

i miss my friends, plain & simple. but why did i wait until it got to this point to realize that that's what i'm missing, what i'm needing? i'll be the first to admit it: i often retreat into myself - cut myself off a bit. it's like i think i am all i need.

and, you know... that couldn't be further from the truth.

but then, why do i do it? i'm not totally sure why i go through these periods of isolation, but i  do have a creeping suspicion. i am terrified of failure, of disappointing people, & of my own disappointment. and i've found that this keeps me from doing a lot of things in my life - things that i really want to do. like writing a book. like going back to school. like putting myself completely out here on this blog.

take that idea, that fear, and multiply it by approximately ten thousand, and that is the feeling i have sometimes about friendships. i know it sounds crazy... but i don't want to disappoint people. i don't want people to really get to know me, & find that my first impression was some kind of a hoax... some kind of elaborately planned out trick... that i can't live up to the image i've created for myself.

it's time - it has been time - for me to throw that fear to the wind. to let go, & give 100% of myself in all the relationships that have cropped up in my life. to take the disappointments in stride. to know that it's enough to be myself, even with the flaws.  

because the truth is, i'm thankful - so thankful - for each & every one of you. to my friends, thank you for being you, in the truest meaning of that silly statement i've said a hundred thousand times. because it's you, in your truest form, that brings out the me that i am proud to be. that makes me laugh the hardest. that makes me feel the best about myself & life. that makes me put myself out there in a way i'm not capable of all on my own.

this is my resolve: to open completely back up.

one road trip.

one phone conversation.

one day.

one step.

one text.

at a time.

(photo: point & shoot, circa 2006)